Its one AM and I cant seem to fall asleep. Im sure the caffeine has a lot to do with it, but there's a lot on my mind. I need to study for my finals, even though they are next monday but there is a lot of preparation to do. GEA testing is tomorrow evening. Its been a quiet week. Haven't really spoken to too many ppl, especially Dara. Dad works a 24 tomorrow, so thats another day to myself. Its suppose to rain, so I dont know if Im going to stay in for the day or go out for a bit. Will have to see how the day goes...
Im so mad at myself for thinking about him now; for wanting him now. Erg! sigh... I hope he eventually comes to a realization about things... how his want for change has affected everything in the long run. Exes are exes for a reason... its impossible to be "Just friends" with someone that you fell in love with and they fell out of love with you. I dont know if he still thinks about me, in any way. I dont know if he regrets any of this... (which is doubtful because he doesn't seem to regret anything). Just from my perspective, he was being a little selfish- in many ways actually. I accepted that he was a bit...materialistic, that he had to have a new phone or new golf clubs, when he knew he didn't have the money for it. I accepted that sports was basically his first priority over me, over school, over work. And yet, when I was being honest and told him that sometimes I felt second best to the Red Sox, he couldn't understand why... I even accepted that he had been with other girls- slept with others- and I still loved him for it all. I guess I was blinded by love... or whatever you want to call it.
Gran told me that I need to think about what I want instead of thinking about what everyone else wants. What do I want? I want the Brandon that I met at the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I want the guy who told me his entire life story on our first date. I want the guy who took me to eat sushi and walk on the beach at night. I want the guy who would tell me how amazing I was even if I didnt want to believe it. I want the guy who would tell me what he wanted to do in life and that he wanted to go wherever I went. I want the guy I could snuggle close to while at the movies or on the couch. I want the guy who held me close and loved to touch my soft skin and who loved kissing me. I want the guy who respected me for me- even if I didnt drink or smoke. I want back the Brandon who was so afraid that he would ruin things, he waited until I was ready to go on with things. I want that Brandon back! Not this Brandon who goes out with friends and believes that he no longer has the time to commit to a relationship because he wants to enjoy life. What happened to enjoying life with me?! I cant even stand to see him because he isnt the same. Its wrong to think about... but Im afraid he will become dependent on alcohol and believe that happiness comes from the bottle; and then he wont believe that he is becoming an alcoholic. He doesnt realize it, but he changes when hes around people. He finally has a group of people who he can go out and have a good time with. I just couldnt fulfill that want, I guess.
I am strong. I can deal with this situation and move on as a better person. This is a good step towards that, writing out what Im thinking and how I feel... so he doesnt cloud my mind and eat me up inside.
All I ask for right now is for Brandon to think about all the choices he has made and where it has led him to. And, I would like him to experience, at some point, how lonely life can really be when the people you believed love and care about you arent around any more. He had never realized that about me... how lonely I was and am, again.
The built up thoughts are out and written down. Now I can focus on more important things...where I stand in the future and what it has to offer me.