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I struggle to catch a glimpse of you, but I'm bound by the webs of heaven... [entries|friends|calendar]
a beautiful disaster

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feeling better [15 Mar 2010|11:58am]
I am feeling better now...food helps some...still would like to fuck to make the day more interesting but maybe later this week. Going to get a shower now and clean up my room. Need to study some too. the entry i wrote earlier was out of sheer depression. but i am feeling better now.

bound by the webs of

why doesnt anyone get how I feel? [06 Feb 2010|10:19am]
[ mood | sigh ]

I woke up this morning believing that I needed to get up and get ready for work (Superego taking over) but surprise-surprise we had no power and no water- they had been out for at least 4 hours... So I didnt know who to call at 7am, so I called Dave. I didnt want to call my mom to see if she could come get me because she wouldve been like "Wheres your dad?! Why are you home alone?! Blah Blah blah blah!?!?!?!" I didnt want to call Brandon because why would he help me? I was going to call Ashley and see if BJ could come get me- but at that time I was too upset.

I was kinda hysterical when I called Dave, and he seemed irritated that I did call so early. I was like "I am all alone and we have no power and water and I dont know what to do" and he was like "I would say come here but the roads arent looking too good" then he mumbled something else and I just hung up. He called back a few minutes later but I didnt answer because I didnt want to talk to him...he was not helping my situation. He left a voicemail (which I have listened to at least 4x now)saying something about "Youre just sad...it will pass with time...what you had has changed your relationship with everyone and everything around you...(really? they like him better...and I never get invited to anything...he's much happy without me)...you thought you could rely on someone but that will pass with time... you cant keep blaming yourself...all it does it gives you an excuse to beat up on someone who happens to be the closest person there"... Obviously I paraphrased what he said, but basically he was lecturing me again about not to be sad that things will get better with time. Sigh. After that, I contemplated suicide for a bit before returning to my warm bed and passing out.

Dave told me yesterday to look for new friends (since I dont really connect well with my current ones) Then he mentioned he felt a bit awkward mentioning to Brandon (S) that we were hanging out and I asked why. I still didnt get why he felt awkward...I am not needed anyways. The last 2.5 years was just for him to figure out what he wanted in life and he learned that it wasnt to settled down yet (at least with me) but to get away and start his life. I, too, long to get away-as far away as possible from everyone here. I dont belong here- I never belonged here. I have never fit in- never felt like I really connected. I dont even feel like I have a real family. I wanted to believe that my friends were my family- but I barely see Dara and I dont even know her anymore; Brandon...in less than a years time were just going to stop talking in general (Im just still around to have sex with- I barely qualify as a friend); Brandon and Ashley have decided that they want to stay here; Dave...I dont even know what to say about that...; my parents dont know shit about me- I live with a complete stranger and my mom is a narcissistic bitch. I am tired of working so hard to be good and to believe that in time I am going to get in return what I deserve but my experiences have gone against that belief.

Yes, I was in love with him- truly and deeply and I wanted him to be the one, even though he was in no way right for me and I was selling myself short for something that I wanted for so long. Ppl wonder why I am so down on myself- because I feel like I create all this negative chaos- I feel like there is something wrong with me. People dont stay in my life long enough to be there for me. yeah, my parents maybe but that is because theyre obligated. Dara, because she was my only friend, but she has other ppl...
If I could choose right now- I would move somewhere far from here and just start a new life- For Me. I know I can take care of myself, I know I am capable of this. I just want someone to be there to support me- and that doesnt seem to happen really. I am tired of being frustrated with myself and believing that I am worthless when inside I know I am not- But I just dont belong here. This place, these ppl theyre toxic to me. I cant be around them anymore... god I would love to fuck all the time but that is just me letting my Id take over for a bit to balance out my Superego...
I can be happy and I choose to be without anyone else's support or approval because ppl just are unreliable and they just let you down.


Why do I feel like this whole snow storm ordeal is either a test or a punishment? I am missing school which is one of the only things in life keeping me sane and alive. I am enjoying my Psychology classes because it helps me understand myself better and I know the material. My art classes are interesting and a challenge too but I like them as well. I have to find all the positive energy inside me, all the happiness in order to get past this challenge of being stuck alone and having noone else really care to see how you are doing... As much as I want to hurt myself and kill myself every so often, Ive managed to overcome that.

If I have to sacrifice every single relationship that I have somehow managed to make in order to make myself happy, then that it was I have to do. It hurts- alot- when you pour your heart and soul into ppl that you trust and want to love and that you want around and then they just decide "Sorry, I want a life of my own and it doesnt really involve you. Sorry for wasting your time." I have changed so much as a person over my lifetime... is it wrong of me to just want someone to acknowledge my existence and to be there for me? Apparently so...

sigh... I need to go eat something and take my vitamins. Then I need to read and study and do some homework- I am not letting this loneliness and emptiness overpower me- I cant let it. It will just kill me in the end.

I dont know who cares to read this but these are my thoughts and this is how I feel. If you dont understand then just go on with your lives... leave me in peace.

bound by the webs of

i just bring everyone down... [11 Nov 2009|04:37pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I made him cry...again. Every single time that he has cried within the last 2 years was because of me. That is just so overwhelming- to actually bring someone down so far, to bring them to tears. sigh... and its all because i get upset over things that he likes to do... i wouldve been okay with him playing his new game if he had told me that is what he had wanted to do. All he had to say was "hey, im going to stay home and play my new game. is it ok if we watch heroes another night?" and he gets upset because i am upset and that he feels like all he does is disappoints me. he doesnt disappoint, i just expect too much of everyone. i expect too much out of myself.

sigh. i feel like the weight of the world is pressing down on me more and more everyday, and i feel like giving up just a little more. he thinks positively, i think negatively. i push myself to do well because i know i am capable and  i feel like eventually it will all amount to something worthwhile. I am still waiting for something to really change my life again- something to greatly impact who i am in this world. Just want someone or something to show me what it is I am suppose to do, suppose to be. Ive accepted art isnt going to get me too far and it is the only true thing that makes me happy. I love the ppl i know but art has always been there. Ive seen how much ive changed, how much ive improved, how i used to think (and a lot of the time i still think that way)... somedays i miss being alone because things were simple even when chaos was happening. 

i am so tired of talking about myself. its always Me Me ME. No!

He has so much going for him...he has a loving family who are there to support him and see him grow and become something amazing. He knows a lot of amazing ppl... he takes a lot- especially from me. I dont know how he puts up with me all the time. Ive changed, but i feel like it has changed everything and sometimes that change doesnt feel so positive. His dreams, his wants, his needs, his thoughts are completely different from mine...and i know it is going to take a lifetime to understand them all. I will say it again, Ive experienced so much with him that I had believed I would never experience. In my journey to find myself, to take care of myself- all I do is hurt him.

sigh...i can even think anymore...

1 heaven| bound by the webs of

Cold, Bday, etc. [30 Sep 2009|09:54pm]
I thought I would post again while I wait for Brandon to come over. He and I talked late Monday night about everything. We both cried...its the second time Ive ever seen him cry. I dont want to go into it all right now... Were not going to Spain next year with Ashley and Brandon. Can't afford to go but its ok. Brandon "promised" we would go camping. ( promise is in quotations because he really did promise.) Apparently, I have another surprise on my birthday but he will not give me a hint. Blah. Dont want to think about it because then it will bother me and I will just want to know. Really would like to get my eyes checked...I swear there is something wrong with them. Watch me have to get glasses...

Brandon is here...I will update more later.
bound by the webs of

2 years [10 Jul 2009|10:44am]
[ mood | calm ]

2 years ago today we met for the first time... I cant believe its been 2 years already... it feels like  a lifetime...

bound by the webs of

SU, new phone, etc. [13 Jun 2009|04:42pm]
[ mood | Need to eat something ]

It is official. I am now a student at SU. I am somewhat excited about the idea of transferring to a different school, but then I realize it is SU and how much I will miss Wor-Wic (mostly because of Tavel). Hopefully Monday I will be able to meet up with Tavel and talk to him about everything. I sent an email requesting to change my orientation date and to change my major from Business Administration to IDIS. Not much else to write about. Started reading a book called "Prozac Nation" which is a memoir about depression. I need to read "Atlas Shrugged" so I can write a scholarship essay for it and hopefully get some money from it. The book is humongous though and I dont know how interesting it is going to be... I will have to check it out of the library instead of dishing out $25 dollars...

Oh! I might be getting a new phone soon. Im pretty stoked about that. I really would like the Samsung Eternity. I would like to get a custom skin to go with it but I havent designed something for it yet. I will just get a regular black skin in the mean time. I will finally be able to listen to music on my phone and probably access the internet better. Dad wants a smart phone (which he really needs anyways). Yay!


Mom just left for the Bahamas today. I have to go over there every couple of days to get the mail and to water her garden (which I will probably not need to do since we have been getting a lot of rain lately). Might be going to the beach or somewhere close the beach tomorrow (if the weather allows it) with Dara. Pretty excited about that.

Not much to say for now. Just hoping everything works out the way I am hoping it does.


bound by the webs of

being alone during a severe thunderstorm really sucks.... [09 Jun 2009|09:22am]
I think the only thing that is keeping me from going insane right now is listening to Dave. Heh. How ironic...because I used to not like DMB at all. Well, this week has not began they way I had wanted it to. I went to check out the Depression Support Group yesterday and apparently you have to be a patient at the clinic in order to attend. I was so disappointed that I cried in the car and called Brandons Mom. I dont know if it was such a good idea to go and see her either... it made me miss everything. She asked me if I had talked to Brandon...and I said that he is never going to talk to me again. I have been shoved into the "Crazy Ex-girlfriend" pile and she tried to reassure me that I wasn't crazy. I told her that I started to cut myself because of everything. I told her that I feel like I dont have anyone to support me. I do have support but its not enough...She said that God was always there even though it may not seem like it. It has never seemed like it. Thanks God for punishing me for trying to be a good person. I dont feel like talking to Patti...or going to work...especially in this weather.

I dont know how much more of this I can take.

bound by the webs of

pretty exhausted [07 Jun 2009|09:20pm]
Im really exhausted from everything that has happened within the past few days. SATs could have gone better than expected. The people who proctored it did not do a very good job especially about keeping track of time. I arrived at UMES at 7:20am (because I am anal about time) hoping to be checked in early, but we were not allowed to check in until 7:45. Thankfully I wasnt the only college person retaking it. According to the "Important Information" from CollegeBoard we were suppose to finished testing between 12:30 and 1pm...we didnt get out until quarter to 2. I have no idea why they did not have the test booklets there already...they wasted a good hour waiting for ppl to arrive, passing out booklets, and reading directions. Im just happy its over with.

I had just enough time to go home and change before covering Dara's shift at work. I ended up leaving early because mother called to say that they had an extra seat for Gaby's Dance Recital. The first two hours were good... but there were so many people and performances! It turned into 5 hours of dancing. Gaby was cute, but she was all the way at the back of the stage which she had to share with 20 something other little girls. They couldve cut a lot of performances because it was the same people dancing over and over again. How I made it through sitting next to my stepdad and mother for 5 hours- I dont know. Heh. Didn't get home until about midnight and for some reason I couldnt go to sleep. I had been up since 5:30 am but did not finally go to sleep until about 2am. And I am still tired.

Sara's Baby Shower was today. I went with Dara and her mom. Megan, Jess, Janet, and Coralie were there too. It went really well and the day was perfect for it. Sara has gotten so round, but I wasn't to uncomfortable from the site of her belly. She offered to let me touch it if Abby (soon to be born baby) moved or kicked. Luckily for me that opportunity did not arrive. It was good to see everyone again, though.

Tomorrow I need to talk to someone from SU about my major. I am hoping to hear from Tavel soon about when we are meeting again. Support Group is tomorrow night also. I asked Angie to come with me but she is on vacation right now, so I am going to go by myself. I think it will be another thing to help me out with everything. There will be others there who understand what it feels like and what they have done to not let it bring them down. I am kind of excited but anxious at the same time. But I am not going to let the negative thoughts about everything fill my head. It is hard sometimes, though, because I want to remember the things that have made me so happy but they are connected with the things that have left me this way.


I think I am going to clean some also. Room is really messy again. I mean, Ive not been home a lot lately. I just sleep and throw my clothes everywhere but it has reached the point where I need to straighten things up again.
Need to push myself more to look for a second job. The extra income would be wonderful. I will have to keep looking around...

I think that's it for now. Going to try and get some rest...

bound by the webs of

SATs, Depression battle, and Art Therapy [06 Jun 2009|12:44am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Its been a week I guess since my last entry. A lot has happened this week. I had my first meeting with Patti, my counselor, on Tuesday. Stacy came with me for support. The meeting was alright. It was kind of what I had expected, but I wasnt disappointed. I think I am doing well for myself and that this will help me out with keeping myself motivated. There is a Depression Support Group Monday night that I want to check out. It sounds interesting and I dont think it would hurt to try it out. Have been getting extra hours at work...which is a plus. SATs in the morning. Get to go to UMES to take those. Yay. I get to leave Salisbury for a little bit and then come back and go to work. Sara's baby shower is on Sunday. I think it will go really well. It will be a good group of people who love her. Yay. :)

I need to send in my acceptance fee for SU. I need to talk to someone from admissions because I would like to look into combining Psychology and Art (art therapy) instead of majoring in Business and minoring in Art. I love Psychology and it has helped me better understand my Depression and my Anxiety. And I love Art and I would love to help others express themselves through art. So, I figured Art Therapy is something for me. It combines two things that I love and understand. Life seems really good right now.

That's basically it for now. Im hoping to meet up with Tavel soon and tell him about the Art Therapy theory. Keeping my head up.

P.S. I want to get "Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King" Ive fallen in love with DMB. Thank you Brandon for that. And I hope life is going well for you. :)

bound by the webs of

scratches [21 May 2009|02:03pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

i have bloody scratches going up and down the side of my right leg and on the end of my left elbow. i was too scared to dig deeper. the scratches sting now. i thought if i had focused all my pain into one area i could slowly release it all. of course, it didnt work. i just want to be numb. i dont want to feel anything anymore. everything i seem to do just makes everything else worse. he is never going to talk to me again. my mother is never going to change. my dad will never really know me. i just want to get away from everything. just far far away where i can just start over, where i dont know anyone and noone knows me. i can be on my own and learn to live with myself. being here just makes me want to kill myself. and i would be lying if i said i have never thought of doing it. i dont want to feel anymore. i dont want to think. i feel like the villain. everyone i have talked to has told me to go and see a counselor. i need to go see a counselor because talking to friends isnt getting me anywhere. i am going backwards. i cant even write what is on my mind, how i am feeling without hurting someone. he is never going to forgive me for saying those things. he is never going to forgive me for all of this. why should someone love me when i obviously dont love myself. im scared i am going to keep repeating all of this over and over again. i am going to keep hurting him and myself. i just want him to forgive me and to have trust and faith in me again. sigh.

i called my mother yesterday out of sheer desperation to talk to someone. she had the nerve to say that I needed to apologize, for what I dont know. I told her that they needed to apologize too. I told her that Brandon and I broke up and then she asked if I was pregnant. she will never change. she will always turn everything around and make it about herself. i just miss my sister. she is the only person i want to see from that side of the family. sigh

i wrote brandon a letter and stopped by his house to drop it off. i dont know if he has read it or not. i cant remember what i exactly wrote, but it wasnt perfect.


moments like this i think about stupid shit. i think about doing stupid shit. i feel abandoned, left to fend for myself when i really need someone to just be here and talk to me.

the scratches will heal eventually...and maybe i will heal inside. maybe not.

good bye.

bound by the webs of

[20 May 2009|09:30pm]
I think I just going to give up completely. Feel so tired from everything...just completely drained. Tired of being alone... he isnt going to forgive me... he doesnt love me like that anymore. Ive hurt him a lot and I am sorry for it all... but he doesnt want to accept it. Now you can move on and be happy. I am not going to interfere with you life anymore. I have tried to apologize and have tried to want to forgive you and myself.

Life is meaningless without love. Love is meaningless without life. Neither of which I have at this point. Neither of which I deserve.

I am sorry. For everything. And I apologize for this.

I will love you always. Always.

bound by the webs of

apology [20 May 2009|04:34pm]
[ mood | broken ]


I just want to apologize... for the things that I have said that have been directed towards you, but I wrote them out of anger and frustration. This is my journal and my way of letting out those feelings that I do not want eating at me for forever. It is hard to know how this is all affecting you when you do not express anything back. I feel rejected and abandoned and this really upsets me. When I am at a breaking point, I call people so I dont end up doing something stupid. I guess I am a needy person. I need to be acknowledged to know that I am worth something. I dont resent you. I dont resent what we had together. I just wanted to talk and I felt like you were not putting any effort into talking things over. That is why I wrote that terrible entry.

Everyday I wake up and try to think of the positive things that have happened and will happen. Even with the nightmares I face when I am sleeping, I do not let them bother me when I am awake. I am a sensitive and emotional person but I dont want to always be that person. I want to mend things with you but I feel like it is all my fault. You dont want to speak to me now because of the things I have said. I know in you is the ability to forgive me. You are a strong person.

I called my mother today; she wanted an apology too. I told her that I wanted one from her as well. I haven't spoken to her in almost 9 months. I don't want to stop talking to you for that long but if this schism that we are facing requires that amount of time or more, then I will not bother you any more. I will be strong and accept this. It is tough everyday to wake up and try not to think about you... but if you wanted to fix this you would put some effort and stand up for how you are feeling.

I am sorry, again.
I hope you are happy.


bound by the webs of

erg! [14 May 2009|02:21pm]
I dont know what to do...

I thought I did know what it is that I should do but now it is all scrambled together with what it is that I want to do. I know that makes no sense...

I shouldnt think about second chances because they could lead to nowhere (even though that is where I am right now). Does he want me back in his life? Does he love me still...as much as I love him? I am completely torn in two.

We talked via text the other night and I had thought that had open things back up again to at least talking to one another like civilized adults... but now I feel like he doesnt want to talk to me. The feeling of being unwanted just comes surging back and I know everything that I am doing is not healthy for me. I just want things to be like they were in the beginning...where we talked and took things slowly. My greatest fear came true: something happened and I stopped talking to him.

And now I dont know what is going on.

my heart is pounding so hard that I feel like it may just stop at any moment.

what do I do? Ive tried talking to him but its as though hes being cautious and doesnt want to really respond.

i just dont know anymore....
bound by the webs of

brandons entry... [12 May 2009|09:34pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Brandon wrote an entry to his LJ today...

Tue, May. 12th, 2009, 02:26 pm

I am Lonely.
I am Tired.
I am Happy.
I am Sad.
There is no one who fills the Lonely
I can't sleep at night because of everything
I am happy because my friends are being there for me
I am Sad because of how it all ended.
I am sorry for the things I said
Oppisite nature was taking over
Your best friend hated my guts
She had every reason to
I am not worth anything to anyone
I am as manipulable as the come
I am trying to change
I am making myself happy with out others being happy
I don't drink all the time
I don't get drunk
No one I have talked to compares to you.
but I feel that I have lost and their no second chance
I am trying to be ok with that.
but I do miss you and I will always love you.
I hope your life is better with out me
I hope you find some better then me
because I am nothing
but I am trying to be something and I won't let the
alcohol take over me. I promise.

I am sorry I hurt you!

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Till the Sun Turns Black-Ray L

I left him a comment...

my life was better with you in it...
i feel more alone than ever and i wish i could talk to you but it just hurts too much right now.
i miss it everyday... but we have both changed and i dont know if second chances are a good idea...

i miss you.

I keep reading it over and over again trying to make sense of it all... can I believe what he has said? This is the Brandon that I miss and loved but what I was left with was a completely different person...who hurt me so much that I dont know if I can forgive him. I love him still... but not the side of him that he became... I HATE that Brandon.


im tired of crying. im tired of being alone.im tired of wanting to be loved but just left with all of this rejection and emptiness. im tired of not receiving what ive earned and what i deserve. im tired of feeling like im being punished for things that i didnt do. i dont deserve to feel like this when all i wanted was him. and he turned out to be the biggest let down in my life... out of everything I have gone through, this hurts this most. Time doesnt fucking heal things... it just makes things worse. You dont forget anything, you just pondering on what went wrong and how you could fix every day. and you think about what you miss the most and how you may never experience that again...


i need to go and distract my mind from all of this...


bound by the webs of

nightmares... [11 May 2009|11:50am]
[ mood | restless ]

this medication is not helping me out in the sleeping-well dept...
I had another nightmare last night, after it took me hours to finally fall asleep. I was being molested in my dream and he didnt do anything to stop it. He just stood there and laughed drunkenly with this look in his eye that just scared me. And then I tried to stop him from hurting himself and he went after me and tried to light me on fire...
Im so emotionally drained from thinking about it all. And being alone all the time does not help matters. I did go out with friends this weekend, but we ended up in awkward situations in which we just wanted to leave.
just wish i could sleeping soundly without thinking about him at all. but he just hurt me so much... i have to hate him, i just have to.
i really need to get away... i need something to distract me from all this and to make me happy.


bound by the webs of

what day is this...besides the day you left me? [08 May 2009|10:59am]
[ mood | numb ]

It has been a couple of days...a couple of good days. Went to the doctors on Wednesday and he gave me a stronger dosage of corticosteroids and I had to go get my chest x-rayed. If I dont hear anything from them, then that is a good sign. I got to see my x-rays. They were awesome looking and I wish I could keep them... Then went and hung out with Dara for a bit before we met Nathaniel Drehmer to see the Wolverine movie. It was alright...I think we laughed at it more than took it seriously. Most likely I will be seeing it again with Ashley and them. I have off all weekend, which is incredible! Last night I spent most of my shift coloring mom's day cards with little kids and with Andy. It was fun. Then I came home and watched "Bride Wars" which was a cute movie.

sigh. Unfortunately, a side affect of this medication is trouble sleeping...and well it rather sucks because I keep thinking about him and it pisses me off. I dont think it helps that I listen to the same Dave songs everyday... blah. Moving on...

The Star Trek movie comes out today. Dad and I may go and see it.

Looks like another day of cleaning...yay.
It is a bit odd to be writing at 11am instead of 2am...

Good day.


bound by the webs of

Tavel awesomeness = Life is pretty good [04 May 2009|08:35pm]
[ mood | calm ]


The semester is finally over! I took my last two exams before graduation and I tried my best. Hopefully I will pass both classes with at least a B. I saw Tavel today, which has made the year much better. I went to him for advice about what I should do now since I am receiving my AA. He recommended that I apply to as many schools as possible and see what they offer me. I may be able to get a full ride somewhere like College Park. He even recommended that I try the Ivy League schools just to see what happens. The worst that could happen is that I would be rejected, but I can handled that. Hopefully next Friday I do not have to work because I am suppose to meet with Tavel again.

I know what my priorities are right now... The last year and some months have both been good and bad but that has all passed and I need to focus on my future. There will be time to enjoy life and to date and what not, but for now I need to focus on what it is I need to do now in order to secure my future.

Dad just brought me some Arby's, so I am going to eat and relax. Hopefully, if I relax more my cough will subside completely. I have an appt. on Wednesday to see if nothing else is causing my cough. Work tomorrow night and Thursday night, then Improv Show Saturday night with Dara, and hopefully the X-men movie with some friends sometime this weekend.

Life is getting better. I could even say that I might be loving it more.


bound by the webs of

burnt out [02 May 2009|11:12am]
[ mood | calm ]

Why is it that I did not like Dave Matthews before now? sigh.... It's what love does to you. I dont feel like finishing my take home exam right now. Have to work in a few hours and maybe, hopefully go to the movies afterwards. This baked ziti is burnt...

I really dont know what to write right now. Ive grown so tired of writing the same things about him, knowing all too well my questions will never be answered, that I have nothing left to ponder on. Actually... Ive been rethinking things about school and such. I am not exactly sure if culinary school is right for me. I really have no experience as opposed to the other students who may be more passionate about food than I am. Now I dont know what to do with my life. The Stefanie that wanted to learn to make pastries and such was his Stefanie. That Stefanie had to leave along with everything dealing with him. Now I am left with a Stefanie that is unsure of what she should do now. I sent an email to the Art Institute, but they have yet to respond. Maybe I will just be stuck going to SU, majoring in what? No idea...

Im back to eating more than once a day... I told him he was the reason that I stopped eating... hes upset that I called him an alcoholic. I apologized, but now he knows how I feel when he said that I needed to go make friends and to go see a counselor...Hes not the person I believed he was...

I dont feel like writing anymore...

bound by the webs of

4:23pm [29 Apr 2009|09:53pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

As of 4:23pm today, I officially HATE Brandon Michael Shockley.

bound by the webs of

I need to stop drinking caffeine again... [29 Apr 2009|01:05am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Its one AM and I cant seem to fall asleep. Im sure the caffeine has a lot to do with it, but there's a lot on my mind. I need to study for my finals, even though they are next monday but there is a lot of preparation to do. GEA testing is tomorrow evening. Its been a quiet week. Haven't really spoken to too many ppl, especially Dara. Dad works a 24 tomorrow, so thats another day to myself. Its suppose to rain, so I dont know if Im going to stay in for the day or go out for a bit. Will have to see how the day goes...

Im so mad at myself for thinking about him now; for wanting him now. Erg! sigh... I hope he eventually comes to a realization about things... how his want for change has affected everything in the long run. Exes are exes for a reason... its impossible to be "Just friends" with someone that you fell in love with and they fell out of love with you. I dont know if he still thinks about me, in any way. I dont know if he regrets any of this... (which is doubtful because he doesn't seem to regret anything). Just from my perspective, he was being a little selfish- in many ways actually. I accepted that he was a bit...materialistic, that he had to have a new phone or new golf clubs, when he knew he didn't have the money for it. I accepted that sports was basically his first priority over me, over school, over work. And yet, when I was being honest and told him that sometimes I felt second best to the Red Sox, he couldn't understand why... I even accepted that he had been with other girls- slept with others- and I still loved him for it all. I guess I was blinded by love... or whatever you want to call it.

Gran told me that I need to think about what I want instead of thinking about what everyone else wants. What do I want? I want the Brandon that I met at the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I want the guy who told me his entire life story on our first date. I want the guy who took me to eat sushi and walk on the beach at night. I want the guy who would tell me how amazing I was even if I didnt want to believe it. I want the guy who would tell me what he wanted to do in life and that he wanted to go wherever I went. I want the guy I could snuggle close to while at the movies or on the couch. I want the guy who held me close and loved to touch my soft skin and who loved kissing me. I want the guy who respected me for me- even if I didnt drink or smoke. I want back the Brandon who was so afraid that he would ruin things, he waited until I was ready to go on with things. I want that Brandon back! Not this Brandon who goes out with friends and believes that he no longer has the time to commit to a relationship because he wants to enjoy life. What happened to enjoying life with me?! I cant even stand to see him because he isnt the same. Its wrong to think about... but Im afraid he will become dependent on alcohol and believe that happiness comes from the bottle; and then he wont believe that he is becoming an alcoholic. He doesnt realize it, but he changes when hes around people. He finally has a group of people who he can go out and have a good time with. I just couldnt fulfill that want, I guess.

I am strong. I can deal with this situation and move on as a better person. This is a good step towards that, writing out what Im thinking and how I feel... so he doesnt cloud my mind and eat me up inside.

All I ask for right now is for Brandon to think about all the choices he has made and where it has led him to. And, I would like him to experience, at some point, how lonely life can really be when the people you believed love and care about you arent around any more. He had never realized that about me... how lonely I was and am, again.


The built up thoughts are out and written down. Now I can focus on more important things...where I stand in the future and what it has to offer me.


bound by the webs of

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